Saturday, February 13, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - Give me free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bad relationships

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Calming your son

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - I am going to shop

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - A department store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Fight competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

Favorite Joke of the Day - The crowded store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no […]

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - Black belt degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as […]

An extremely loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is […]

Monday, February 8, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - Golf Genie

A young husband and his beautiful wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were about to tee off on the third hole that was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their […]

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - This one has always been my favorite

A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up
to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the
sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the
door.
Just then the Sailor says, “Hey Marine! When I was […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Pick-up lines for computer geeks

-Nice Set of Floppies!
-Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
-I’d like to play on your laptop.
-Need me to unzip your files?
-If you were an ISP, I’d dial you all day long!
-I’d like to boot up your PC!
-I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen!
-I’ve got a […]

Friday, February 5, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - How many Microsoft employees

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, the
first to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to
reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to
say that it must be your light bulb because it […]

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Favorite Joke of the Day - One side with butter

One question has bugged me, how did they get it to land the right way up?
The answer is obvious, it’s applied Murphy’s law, and they covered one side
with butter.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Still somehow

Recently the hubble space telescope* conducted a series of observations of
mars, to monitor dust storm clouds and other seasonal phenomena on mars. Some of
these observations were taken in parallel with observations of the martian
atmosphere from below by the imager for mars pathfinder (imp) from the sagan
memorial station.
Which led to one institute stiffer softly singing:
I’ve looked […]