Favorite Joke of the Day

Favorite Joke of the Day - Give me free meat

2010-02-13T02:05:00.001-08:00

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bad relationships

2010-02-13T02:03:00.000-08:00

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Calming your son

2010-02-13T02:02:00.000-08:00

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - I am going to shop

2010-02-13T02:01:00.002-08:00

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - A department store

2010-02-13T02:01:00.001-08:00

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Fight competition

2010-02-13T02:00:00.001-08:00

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

Favorite Joke of the Day - The crowded store

2010-02-13T01:59:00.001-08:00

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!

Favorite Joke of the Day - I want to buy a golf ball

2010-02-12T05:15:00.000-08:00

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Black belt degrees

2010-02-11T02:17:00.001-08:00

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as […]

An extremely loyal fan

2010-02-11T02:16:00.000-08:00

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Golf Genie

2010-02-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

A young husband and his beautiful wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were about to tee off on the third hole that was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - This one has always been my favorite

2010-02-06T06:03:00.002-08:00

A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up
to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the
sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the
door.
Just then the Sailor says, “Hey Marine! When I was […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Pick-up lines for computer geeks

2010-02-06T06:03:00.001-08:00

-Nice Set of Floppies!
-Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
-I’d like to play on your laptop.
-Need me to unzip your files?
-If you were an ISP, I’d dial you all day long!
-I’d like to boot up your PC!
-I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen!
-I’ve got a […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - How many Microsoft employees

2010-02-05T04:13:00.001-08:00

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, the
first to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to
reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to
say that it must be your light bulb because it […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - One side with butter

2010-02-04T05:51:00.000-08:00

One question has bugged me, how did they get it to land the right way up?
The answer is obvious, it’s applied Murphy’s law, and they covered one side
with butter.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Still somehow

2010-02-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

Recently the hubble space telescope* conducted a series of observations of
mars, to monitor dust storm clouds and other seasonal phenomena on mars. Some of
these observations were taken in parallel with observations of the martian
atmosphere from below by the imager for mars pathfinder (imp) from the sagan
memorial station.
Which led to one institute stiffer softly singing:
I’ve looked […]

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it

2010-01-31T04:14:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark
is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Eight

2010-01-31T04:13:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Are blind pilots flying?

2010-01-30T08:13:00.001-08:00

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated
waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the
pilot is using […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - There is a blond on the plane

2010-01-30T08:12:00.000-08:00

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on
an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the
plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat
and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”
She sort of forgets where she is, even […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Giving very odd excuses

2010-01-28T02:00:00.002-08:00

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally
ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I
ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm,
bought a horse but […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Recruiting any and all pilots

2010-01-28T02:00:00.001-08:00

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He
directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - True Story

2010-01-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

I work at a bank and one day we received a call from one of our branches that
was having problems with the keyboard at one of their drive-up stations.
I ask the teller what was wrong and she replied, “Our keyboard will not work,
they keys are stuck!”
I asked several questions and it turns out that some […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Beer

2010-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - New airbag in Detroit

2010-01-22T08:20:00.001-08:00

With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 1997 cars.
“Auto accidents have never […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Save the dead rabbit

2010-01-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Two Bags

2010-01-21T05:33:00.002-08:00

Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Humphrey. The guard says, “Well, we’ll see about that. Get off
the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing […]

The Senility Prayer

2010-01-21T05:33:00.001-08:00

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered . . .
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Crazy Laws in California

2010-01-21T05:32:00.002-08:00

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
-Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern,
school, or place of worship.
-Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and
elephants.
-Bathhouses are against the law.
-In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same
guidelines as cats and dogs.
-No vehicle without a driver […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - It was so hot

2010-01-21T05:32:00.001-08:00

It was so hot, I was sweating more than R. Kelly at the Teen Choice
awards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite Joke of the Day - Air Control

2010-01-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
“What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - A kid came home

2010-01-20T06:14:00.003-08:00

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, “Dad, I
heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What
is a vagina, and what does it look like?”
“Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened
rose.”
“Wow, what does it look like after sex?”
“Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Whats another name

2010-01-20T06:14:00.001-08:00

Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

2010-01-20T06:13:00.001-08:00

What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
down?
A nun churning butter.
What is black and white and screams “YES! YES! YES!”
A nun winning at BINGO.
What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - The Geography of Men and Women

2010-01-20T06:12:00.004-08:00

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or
Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally
beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or
Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open
to trade especially with countries with […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bombed Outta My Head

2010-01-20T06:12:00.003-08:00

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop
stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a
book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for
fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused.
The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and
holding a book. Then […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

2010-01-20T06:12:00.001-08:00

“No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal
Affective Disorder!”
“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning
Satellite System again!
“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the
soufflé is burnt?”
“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”
And then my dad farted and it […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Join The Club

2010-01-19T06:58:00.001-08:00

A baby seal walks into a club.
I’ll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Christmas Carol Parrot

2010-01-19T06:57:00.003-08:00

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
“It’s beautiful!” cried the man, “Does he do any tricks?”
“Yes he does,” answered the salesman. “If you put a lighted […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Ode To A Glow Worm

2010-01-19T06:57:00.001-08:00

I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm’s never glum.
It’s hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!

Favorite Joke of the Day - What Came First…

2010-01-19T06:56:00.001-08:00

Q: Why does a chicken lay eggs?
A: Because if she dropped them, they’d break.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Froggy Woes

2010-01-18T09:33:00.001-08:00

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor complaining that he can’t get any women. The doctor says, ‘Well, I can’t help you, but I know a witchdoctor who can’. So the man goes to see the witchdoctor, and the witchdoctor tells the man to go to the lake, and that when […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Monkeya Tree

2010-01-18T09:32:00.002-08:00

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Whale Hijinx

2010-01-18T09:32:00.001-08:00

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a ship and suggests to the other, “Hey, why don”t we swim under that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?”
“Well,” says the other whale, “I”ll give it a blow job, but I refuse to swallow any sea men!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - WaterThe Inside

2010-01-18T09:31:00.002-08:00

Q. If there’s H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?
A. K9P

Favorite Joke of the Day - Catthe Way

2010-01-18T09:31:00.001-08:00

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Lion Tamer

2010-01-17T07:10:00.000-08:00

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dog Phone

2010-01-17T07:09:00.002-08:00

The British Phone System
It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line […]

The Chicken and The Egg

2010-01-17T07:09:00.001-08:00

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.
The egg looks at the chicken and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dogs ‘n Light Bulbs

2010-01-17T07:08:00.002-08:00

~*~How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?~*~
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Scared Monkey

2010-01-17T07:08:00.001-08:00

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - No pants

2010-01-16T06:32:00.000-08:00

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed . The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Word games

2010-01-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble.
—-> PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

—-> ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

—-> DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

—-> THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

—-> GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

—-> THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

—-> DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

—-> SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

—-> ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

—-> ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

—-> SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

—-> A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

—-> THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

—-> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

—-> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Favorite Joke of the Day - Example of Bravery

2010-01-15T02:13:00.000-08:00

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says “Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my Red shirt.” The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, “Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?”
The captain replies “Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity.”
Just then another subordinate rushes over. “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Widow’s shock

2010-01-15T02:11:00.000-08:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached
Date: 16 May 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I’ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bail Money

2010-01-14T01:56:00.002-08:00

A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Drug Deal Gone Bad

2010-01-14T01:56:00.001-08:00

Using illegal drugs must really fry your brain, as the public service announcements show. A man called the police to report that he had just been robbed. As he was attempting to deliver drugs to two women in his car, a third person came to the window and robbed him. So, naturally, he called the police. All four of them were arrested.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Don’t Forget to Pay Attention

2010-01-13T06:57:00.002-08:00

A man thought that the best time to steal a car would be when the driver was getting out of it. He watched a woman stop and park her car. He approached the car, attempting to steal it. The only problem was that the driver was in the process of attaching an anti theft device to the steering wheel. She used it to beat him over the head. He was arrested and charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Never Represent Yourself

2010-01-13T06:57:00.001-08:00

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have blown your head off!!" He paused, then added, "If I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to thirty years.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Snoopy He Isn't

2010-01-12T02:06:00.001-08:00

Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.

He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Quick Response

2010-01-12T02:04:00.000-08:00

The police screamed to the scene with sirens blasting. A man had called to report that he had just killed someone and had a gun. When they got there, they found the man who told them he made it up. He claimed that he had been assaulted and wanted the police to respond quickly. They quickly arrested him for filing a false report and sent him to jail.

Favorite Joke of the Day - The Water Pistol

2010-01-11T04:50:00.002-08:00

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."

Favorite Joke of the Day - Support a Family

2010-01-11T04:50:00.001-08:00

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

Favorite Joke of the Day - Life After Death

2010-01-11T04:49:00.000-08:00

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Favorite Joke of the Day - Traffic Accident

2010-01-11T04:48:00.000-08:00

Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly

2010-01-11T04:47:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dog and Cat Jokes

2010-01-11T04:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

Get Things Done

2010-01-10T10:38:00.002-08:00

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding drugs inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no drugs. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Half Crazy

2010-01-10T10:38:00.001-08:00

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

"Al," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

"Oh, there's nothing to it," Al said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

Favorite Joke of the Day - My Father

2010-01-09T00:59:00.000-08:00

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

*****

Favorite Joke of the Day - Nice jokes only for you.

Favorite Joke A businessman

2010-01-08T01:36:00.001-08:00

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Airplane Jokes

2010-01-07T02:42:00.000-08:00

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

All the Thanks I Need

2010-01-06T23:17:00.002-08:00

Favorite Joke of the Day

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Favorite joke of the day Cute Girl

2010-01-06T23:17:00.001-08:00

At a church school gathering, one old teacher approached a cute5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. “I must a got ‘em from my Daddy,” said the little girl, “because everyone says Mommy still has hers.”

Favorite joke of the day Today's Lesson

2010-01-06T23:16:00.000-08:00

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Church's finances

2010-01-06T01:16:00.001-08:00

Awhile back my Church's finances were a little tight, and so my pastor took some extra time to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He challenged the people to give enthusiastically because the Bible says, "God loves a cheerful giver."

While the plates were being passed to gather the offering, I noticed a little boy quickly slip off his neck tie and place it into the offering plate as it went by him. His mother was absolutely mortified. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked him.

"The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully," the boy replied. "I love that man!"

Favorite jokes public office

2010-01-06T01:15:00.001-08:00

Have you ever seen people campaigning for public office?

Recently I went to see two candidates who had somehow scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of my city.

After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

However, when without warning the skies opened and it began to rain, one of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. But the other candidate continued to move through the crowd-shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistent" I said to someone standing nearby. "Sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," he agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

Favorite joke

2010-01-06T01:14:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine (who happens to have a sum of money) recently drove his Rolls-Royce to New York City during a two week business trip. Upon his arrival, he went straight to a large bank and asked for an immediate loan of $5,000.

"I can't just give you a loan of $5,000 without any type of collateral" the loan officer replies.

"Will a Rolls-Royce do?" my friend asks.

"I should think so," The loan officer replies, who promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and then gives my friend $5,000.

Two weeks later, my friend walked into the bank to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 principal, and $15.40 in interest," said the loan officer.

My friend promptly writes a check, gives it to the loan officer, gathers his keys, and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir!" the loan officer says. I've just got one question. Obviously you are wealthy. Why did you want to borrow $5,000?"

My friend smiled. "Well, when I got here I noticed the congested traffic and decided it was too much of a risk to drive my car around town because it might get scratched up. Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Favorite joke dog

2010-01-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

Do you or someone you know have a dog? Well, I recently learned a dog fact I thought you might like to know...

(Please don't hold me responsible for any truth contained herein).

The fact is simply this: If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.

the neighborhood kids

2010-01-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

Have the neighborhood kids ever played the trick on you where they knock on your door and then disappear? Well they have to me. So you can perhaps relate to my reaction when, several years ago while I was busy eating dinner, I heard a knock at the door.

Upon answering the door, I didn't see anything, and was about to give up in disgust until I looked down. There at the bottom of my doorstep was a tiny little snail, obviously left there by kids. Having better things to do with my time besides tend to snails, I picked it up and threw it as far as I could.

Three years later I was eating dinner again when someone knocked at the door. Upon answering it I didn't see anything... until I looked down, and there stood the snail.

The snail looked up at me and said, "What was that for?"

Favorite joke of the day dinner

2010-01-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

A friend once graciously invited me to a dinner that he was hosting for people from his work. He had encouraged everyone to bring their children.

All during the mealtime one of my friend's co-worker's four-year-old daughter stared at him unceasingly. In fact, she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.

My friend checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

"Why are you staring at me?" he finally asked her.

Everyone had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet to hear her response.

The little girl replied "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Favorite joke shopping trip downtown

2010-01-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

I recently went on a shopping trip downtown with my friend. While riding the bus on our way back home it stopped and let a drunk man get on.

I new he was drunk because he could hardly walk up the aisle, he was staggering so much. Guess where he sat down? Right next to my friend. Unfortunately, my friend is not very tactful.

"I've got news for you" she said as she looked him up and down.

"You're going straight to hell!"

All of a sudden the man started, then jumped up out of his seat shouting, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

Funny Surgeon Joke

2010-01-04T01:22:00.001-08:00

Forgot
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”
“Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”

Funny Joke

2010-01-04T01:21:00.004-08:00

Newly Discovered Element
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.
Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it [...]

Funny Temp Joke

2010-01-04T01:21:00.003-08:00

Advantages of Being a Temp
You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, [...]

Funny Panda Joke

2010-01-04T01:21:00.001-08:00

Panda Lunch
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The [...]

Swine Flu Jokes

2010-01-04T01:17:00.006-08:00

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes
Tweet This!
Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes
Twitter
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Source: Flu Jokes
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for [...]

Funny Element Joke

2010-01-04T01:17:00.005-08:00

Funny Temp Joke

2010-01-04T01:17:00.003-08:00

Funny Dying Irish Nun Joke

2010-01-04T01:17:00.001-08:00

Funny Jokes – The Dying Irish Nun
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish [...]

Funny Dear Abby Joke

2010-01-04T01:16:00.005-08:00

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently — [...]

Swine Flu Symptoms

2010-01-04T01:16:00.003-08:00

Swine Flu Symptoms
Swine Flu Jokes
Tweet This!
Twitter
Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu
1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
4. Your thumbs and big [...]

Funny Joke on Annoying People

2010-01-04T01:16:00.001-08:00

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have [...]

Funny Blonde Joke

2010-01-04T01:15:00.005-08:00

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to [...]

Funny Blonde Joke

2010-01-04T01:15:00.003-08:00

Blond Handywoman
A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a “handywoman” and started canvassing the
neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he
said. “How [...]

Funny Apple Pie and Coffee Joke

2010-01-04T01:15:00.001-08:00

Apple Pie and Coffee
A man had trouble with his English, so his friend taught him
how to say, “Apple pie and coffee,” so when on the job, he
could order some food at the local restaurant during his
lunch hour. This was fine with our man, and he was grateful
to his friend, but after several months he wanted [...]

Mother’s Day Jokes

2010-01-04T01:14:00.006-08:00

Mother’s Day Jokes
Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned [...]

Funny Surgeon Joke

2010-01-04T01:14:00.005-08:00

Heart Surgeon
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over [...]

Funny Jokes

2010-01-04T01:14:00.003-08:00

Here are some sayings from
School…..smile!
Teacher: ‘What is your name?’
Student: ‘Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.’
Teacher: ‘When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.’
Student: ‘My name is Sunlight.
Teacher: ‘What is your name?’.
Student: ‘My name is Beautiful Red Underwear’
Teacher: ‘What kind of a name is this? Don’t joke tell me the right name’
Student: [...]

Funny Speeding Juggler Joke

2010-01-04T01:14:00.001-08:00

Speeding Juggler
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. “What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.” The young man handed [...]