Funny Jokes

Two guys in a bar …………………..

One says, “Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!” “My God, what happened to him?” “Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “Gosh, what a horrible way to die!” “No, no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “Damn it, what a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop — 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!”