Favorite Joke of the Day - Give me free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bad relationships

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Calming your son

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”

A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - I am going to shop

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - A department store

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Fight competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

Favorite Joke of the Day - The crowded store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!

Favorite Joke of the Day - I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Black belt degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as […]

An extremely loyal fan

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Golf Genie

A young husband and his beautiful wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were about to tee off on the third hole that was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - This one has always been my favorite

A Sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up
to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Sailor finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the
sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the
door.
Just then the Sailor says, “Hey Marine! When I was […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Pick-up lines for computer geeks

-Nice Set of Floppies!
-Hey, how ’bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
-I’d like to play on your laptop.
-Need me to unzip your files?
-If you were an ISP, I’d dial you all day long!
-I’d like to boot up your PC!
-I’ll bet my hard drive is the biggest you’ve ever seen!
-I’ve got a […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - How many Microsoft employees

How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, the
first to ask what type of light bulb are you running? The second to ask you to
reinstall it, the third to ask you to reboot your light bulb, and the fourth to
say that it must be your light bulb because it […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - One side with butter

One question has bugged me, how did they get it to land the right way up?
The answer is obvious, it’s applied Murphy’s law, and they covered one side
with butter.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Still somehow

Recently the hubble space telescope* conducted a series of observations of
mars, to monitor dust storm clouds and other seasonal phenomena on mars. Some of
these observations were taken in parallel with observations of the martian
atmosphere from below by the imager for mars pathfinder (imp) from the sagan
memorial station.
Which led to one institute stiffer softly singing:
I’ve looked […]

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark
is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Eight

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Are blind pilots flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated
waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the
pilot is using […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - There is a blond on the plane

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on
an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the
plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat
and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”
She sort of forgets where she is, even […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally
ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I
ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm,
bought a horse but […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He
directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - True Story

I work at a bank and one day we received a call from one of our branches that
was having problems with the keyboard at one of their drive-up stations.
I ask the teller what was wrong and she replied, “Our keyboard will not work,
they keys are stuck!”
I asked several questions and it turns out that some […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Beer

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - New airbag in Detroit

With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 1997 cars.
“Auto accidents have never […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Save the dead rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Two Bags

Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Humphrey. The guard says, “Well, we’ll see about that. Get off
the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing […]

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered . . .
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Crazy Laws in California

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
-Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern,
school, or place of worship.
-Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and
elephants.
-Bathhouses are against the law.
-In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same
guidelines as cats and dogs.
-No vehicle without a driver […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - It was so hot

It was so hot, I was sweating more than R. Kelly at the Teen Choice
awards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite Joke of the Day - Air Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,
“What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - A kid came home

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, “Dad, I
heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What
is a vagina, and what does it look like?”
“Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened
rose.”
“Wow, what does it look like after sex?”
“Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Whats another name

Whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Vaguely Obscene Nun Jokes

What is black and white and green and black and white?
Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
down?
A nun churning butter.
What is black and white and screams “YES! YES! YES!”
A nun winning at BINGO.
What is black and white and pink and hard?
A nun stopping, lifting […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - The Geography of Men and Women

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or
Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally
beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or
Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open
to trade especially with countries with […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bombed Outta My Head

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop
stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a
book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for
fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused.
The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and
holding a book. Then […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Punchlines With Absolutely No Context

“No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal
Affective Disorder!”
“Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning
Satellite System again!
“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the
soufflé is burnt?”
“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”
And then my dad farted and it […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Join The Club

A baby seal walks into a club.
I’ll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Christmas Carol Parrot

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
“It’s beautiful!” cried the man, “Does he do any tricks?”
“Yes he does,” answered the salesman. “If you put a lighted […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Ode To A Glow Worm

I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm’s never glum.
It’s hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!

Favorite Joke of the Day - What Came First…

Q: Why does a chicken lay eggs?
A: Because if she dropped them, they’d break.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Froggy Woes

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor complaining that he can’t get any women. The doctor says, ‘Well, I can’t help you, but I know a witchdoctor who can’. So the man goes to see the witchdoctor, and the witchdoctor tells the man to go to the lake, and that when […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Monkeya Tree

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Whale Hijinx

Two whales are swimming along one day, bored. One whale spots a ship and suggests to the other, “Hey, why don”t we swim under that boat, and spurt out water so it tips over?”
“Well,” says the other whale, “I”ll give it a blow job, but I refuse to swallow any sea men!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - WaterThe Inside

Q. If there’s H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?
A. K9P

Favorite Joke of the Day - Catthe Way

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dog Phone

The British Phone System
It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line […]

The Chicken and The Egg

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.
The egg looks at the chicken and says,
“Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dogs ‘n Light Bulbs

~*~How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?~*~
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - Scared Monkey

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him […]

Favorite Joke of the Day - No pants

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed . The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Word games

Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble.
—-> PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

—-> ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

—-> DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

—-> THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

—-> GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

—-> THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

—-> DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

—-> SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

—-> ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

—-> ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

—-> SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

—-> A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

—-> THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

—-> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

—-> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Favorite Joke of the Day - Example of Bravery

A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says “Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my Red shirt.” The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, “Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?”
The captain replies “Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity.”
Just then another subordinate rushes over. “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”

Favorite Joke of the Day - Widow’s shock

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached
Date: 16 May 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I’ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Bail Money

A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Drug Deal Gone Bad

Using illegal drugs must really fry your brain, as the public service announcements show. A man called the police to report that he had just been robbed. As he was attempting to deliver drugs to two women in his car, a third person came to the window and robbed him. So, naturally, he called the police. All four of them were arrested.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Don’t Forget to Pay Attention

A man thought that the best time to steal a car would be when the driver was getting out of it. He watched a woman stop and park her car. He approached the car, attempting to steal it. The only problem was that the driver was in the process of attaching an anti theft device to the steering wheel. She used it to beat him over the head. He was arrested and charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Never Represent Yourself

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and yelled, "You're lying! I should have blown your head off!!" He paused, then added, "If I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to thirty years.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Snoopy He Isn't

Responding to an alarm going off in a hockey rink, the police found an intoxicated man trying to operate the Zamboni. He had crashed it into a wall. He had also operated two fork lifts, damaging the walls, sprinkler system and hockey net.

He was charged with burglary, criminal mischief, violation of his bail conditions and drunk driving.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Quick Response

The police screamed to the scene with sirens blasting. A man had called to report that he had just killed someone and had a gun. When they got there, they found the man who told them he made it up. He claimed that he had been assaulted and wanted the police to respond quickly. They quickly arrested him for filing a false report and sent him to jail.

Favorite Joke of the Day - The Water Pistol

My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.

"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"

My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."

Favorite Joke of the Day - Support a Family

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

Favorite Joke of the Day - Life After Death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Favorite Joke of the Day - Traffic Accident

Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

Favorite Joke of the Day - Dog and Cat Jokes

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

Get Things Done

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding drugs inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no drugs. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Half Crazy

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

"Al," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

"Oh, there's nothing to it," Al said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

Favorite Joke of the Day - My Father

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

*****

Favorite Joke of the Day - Nice jokes only for you.

Favorite Joke A businessman

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Airplane Jokes

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

All the Thanks I Need

Favorite Joke of the Day

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Favorite joke of the day Cute Girl

At a church school gathering, one old teacher approached a cute5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. “I must a got ‘em from my Daddy,” said the little girl, “because everyone says Mommy still has hers.”

Favorite joke of the day Today's Lesson

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Church's finances

Awhile back my Church's finances were a little tight, and so my pastor took some extra time to emphasize the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He challenged the people to give enthusiastically because the Bible says, "God loves a cheerful giver."

While the plates were being passed to gather the offering, I noticed a little boy quickly slip off his neck tie and place it into the offering plate as it went by him. His mother was absolutely mortified. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked him.

"The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully," the boy replied. "I love that man!"

Favorite jokes public office

Have you ever seen people campaigning for public office?

Recently I went to see two candidates who had somehow scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of my city.

After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

However, when without warning the skies opened and it began to rain, one of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. But the other candidate continued to move through the crowd-shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistent" I said to someone standing nearby. "Sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," he agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

Favorite joke

A friend of mine (who happens to have a sum of money) recently drove his Rolls-Royce to New York City during a two week business trip. Upon his arrival, he went straight to a large bank and asked for an immediate loan of $5,000.

"I can't just give you a loan of $5,000 without any type of collateral" the loan officer replies.

"Will a Rolls-Royce do?" my friend asks.

"I should think so," The loan officer replies, who promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and then gives my friend $5,000.

Two weeks later, my friend walked into the bank to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 principal, and $15.40 in interest," said the loan officer.

My friend promptly writes a check, gives it to the loan officer, gathers his keys, and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir!" the loan officer says. I've just got one question. Obviously you are wealthy. Why did you want to borrow $5,000?"

My friend smiled. "Well, when I got here I noticed the congested traffic and decided it was too much of a risk to drive my car around town because it might get scratched up. Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Favorite joke dog

Do you or someone you know have a dog? Well, I recently learned a dog fact I thought you might like to know...

(Please don't hold me responsible for any truth contained herein).

The fact is simply this: If your dog is fat, you probably aren't getting enough exercise.

the neighborhood kids

Have the neighborhood kids ever played the trick on you where they knock on your door and then disappear? Well they have to me. So you can perhaps relate to my reaction when, several years ago while I was busy eating dinner, I heard a knock at the door.

Upon answering the door, I didn't see anything, and was about to give up in disgust until I looked down. There at the bottom of my doorstep was a tiny little snail, obviously left there by kids. Having better things to do with my time besides tend to snails, I picked it up and threw it as far as I could.

Three years later I was eating dinner again when someone knocked at the door. Upon answering it I didn't see anything... until I looked down, and there stood the snail.

The snail looked up at me and said, "What was that for?"

Favorite joke of the day dinner

A friend once graciously invited me to a dinner that he was hosting for people from his work. He had encouraged everyone to bring their children.

All during the mealtime one of my friend's co-worker's four-year-old daughter stared at him unceasingly. In fact, she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.

My friend checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

"Why are you staring at me?" he finally asked her.

Everyone had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet to hear her response.

The little girl replied "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Favorite joke shopping trip downtown

I recently went on a shopping trip downtown with my friend. While riding the bus on our way back home it stopped and let a drunk man get on.

I new he was drunk because he could hardly walk up the aisle, he was staggering so much. Guess where he sat down? Right next to my friend. Unfortunately, my friend is not very tactful.

"I've got news for you" she said as she looked him up and down.

"You're going straight to hell!"

All of a sudden the man started, then jumped up out of his seat shouting, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

Funny Surgeon Joke

Forgot
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”
“Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”

Funny Joke

Newly Discovered Element
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.
Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it [...]

Funny Temp Joke

Advantages of Being a Temp
You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, [...]

Funny Panda Joke

Panda Lunch
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The [...]

Swine Flu Jokes

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes
Tweet This!
Quotes Sayings Recipes Jokes
Twitter
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Source: Flu Jokes
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for [...]

Funny Element Joke

Newly Discovered Element
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.
Administratium has no protons or electrons; thus it has an atomic number of 0. However, it has 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, [...]

Funny Temp Joke

Advantages of Being a Temp
You’re only lending your soul, not selling it.
You won’t be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
You don’t have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers’ weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children’s school, scouts, athletic, [...]

Funny Dying Irish Nun Joke

Funny Jokes – The Dying Irish Nun
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish [...]

Funny Dear Abby Joke

Dear Abby:
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently — [...]

Swine Flu Symptoms

Swine Flu Symptoms
Swine Flu Jokes
Tweet This!
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Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu
1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
4. Your thumbs and big [...]

Funny Joke on Annoying People

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have [...]

Funny Blonde Joke

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to [...]

Funny Blonde Joke

Blond Handywoman
A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a “handywoman” and started canvassing the
neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he
said. “How [...]

Funny Apple Pie and Coffee Joke

Apple Pie and Coffee
A man had trouble with his English, so his friend taught him
how to say, “Apple pie and coffee,” so when on the job, he
could order some food at the local restaurant during his
lunch hour. This was fine with our man, and he was grateful
to his friend, but after several months he wanted [...]

Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day Jokes
Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned [...]

Funny Surgeon Joke

Heart Surgeon
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over [...]

Funny Jokes

Here are some sayings from
School…..smile!
Teacher: ‘What is your name?’
Student: ‘Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.’
Teacher: ‘When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.’
Student: ‘My name is Sunlight.
Teacher: ‘What is your name?’.
Student: ‘My name is Beautiful Red Underwear’
Teacher: ‘What kind of a name is this? Don’t joke tell me the right name’
Student: [...]

Funny Speeding Juggler Joke

Speeding Juggler
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. “What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.” The young man handed [...]

Funny Monks Joke

Broke Monks
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn’t want to
close up their monastery. After much consideration, they
decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after
opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight.
They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and
everything else good monks need.
Unfortunately, the town already HAD a [...]

Funny Dear Mom Joke

Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to “Mom” With the worst premonition she opened the
envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom:
It is with great [...]

Funny Tiny Cabin Joke

THE TINY CABIN ……
A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on [...]

Funny Potato Family Joke

Potato Family
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner – Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said. “I have an announcement to make.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied [...]

Funny Blond Joke

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up. The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some [...]

Army – Air Force

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb [...]

Joke of the Day – Memorial Day

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, “Wow! Are you a Marine?”
The Marine replied, “Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like [...]

Daily Joke – Memorial Day

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go.”
* Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance [...]

Daily Joke – Memorial Day

“I’m gonna recycle you so far back it’s gonna take Michael J. Fox and a souped-up Delorian to get you back!!!”

Joke of the Day – Memorial Day

The story of how the Marines became a branch under the Department of the Navy:
It seems that after WW I, the war to end all wars, the US Govt. had a lot of surplus material that they had no use for. What to do with it was a problem, and it was finally decided to [...]

Memorial Day – Joke of the Day

Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy:
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look [...]

Memorial Day – Daily Joke

Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy:
Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of [...]

Funny Air Force Memorial Day Joke

Air Force Approach: Eagle 13, turn right to 330.
Eagle 13: Roger 330.
App: Eagle 13, I’ve been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?
Eagle 13: Affirmative. Go ahead.
App: Down below on your right, you’ll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake. That is my house. I had a fight with [...]

Funny Jokes – Air Force Memorial Day

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call [...]

Funny Memorial Day Jokes

In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
Everybody’s a Captain except God…. He’s a Major.
You only come to work when you’re going to fly….
You fly three times a day except Friday.
You never run out of gas.
The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
It is [...]

Funny Musician Joke

Music To My Ears
I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a
rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making
mistakes.
“When you’re too dumb to play anything,” the professor
conducting us sneered, “they give you a couple of sticks,
put you in the back, and call you a percussionist.”
A friend next to me whispered, [...]

Funny Cat Jokes

HOW TO BATHE YOUR CAT
1) First …. dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2) A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3) Have [...]

Funny Jokes – Wife Swapping

Season Ticket
The wife was reading a newspaper, while her husband, was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife
for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” said the husband, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, the wife [...]

Funny Jokes – Unions

Labor Day…. Without Unions
NEW RULES FOR THE OFFICE – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need [...]

I’ll hold your monkey for you

Funny Jokes …
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. [...]

Funny Jokes – Asking for Directions

Stopping For Directions
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and
course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and [...]

Funny Jokes – Amnesia

A new patient was being examined by a doctor. According to her
husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia. The doctor
turned to her and asked, “Have you ever had this before?”

Funny Grandma Joke

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by [...]

Funny TV Commercials Joke

Sometimes I can manage to avoid menstruation, genital herpes and erectile dysfunction commercials for days at a time. Somehow, though, the television network marketing executives have esoteric knowledge of when I’m visiting my parents and watching TV with my mother. She suddenly screams, “Have they no shame? I’ve developed and/or adopted some techniques for dealing [...]

Funny Jokes – Bee Sting

Bee Sting
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, ‘Why are you [...]

Funny Speeding Ticket Joke

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me…..

Funny Joke

Alligator versus Pearl
Woman tourist in Florida was admiring an Indian’s necklace.
“What are those things?” she asked.
Alligator teeth ma’am,” replied the Indian.
“Oh I see. I suppose they have the same value for your people that
pearls have for us.”
“Not quite,” he answered gravely. “Anybody can open an oyster.”

Funny Ball Joke

Lost Ball
A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. “Well, it’s like this,” explained the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a [...]

Funny Atheist Joke

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
‘What majestic trees!
‘What powerful rivers!
‘What beautiful animals!
He said to himself!
As he was walking alongside the river,
he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. [...]

Funny Hymn Title Jokes

Hymn Titles By Occupation
Dentist’s Hymn………………………….Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman’s Hymn……….There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor’s Hymn………………….The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn……………………………………….Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn…………………………There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn………………………….Standing on the Promises
Optometrist’s Hymn…………………..Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn………………………………..I Surrender All
The Gossiper’s Hymn…………………………………………..Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn……………………………………Send The [...]

Funny Actors Joke

Actors
Two actors who haven’t seen each other in several weeks run
into each other on the street.
1st actor: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s everything
going?
2nd actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a
lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew
about that died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: [...]

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Funny Insurance Joke

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and [...]

Funny New Puppy Joke

How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and
load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s
mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and
brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background
for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and
focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty
sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused
spot and return to camera.
8. [...]

Funny Lawyer Jokes

Lawyerly Laffs
Q: What is the definition a “Lucky Break?”
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “Crying Shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: Why is it [...]

Paper Boy Joke

A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”

“Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, “but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”

The paperboy said, “I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”

Marriage and Divorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per

hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

“Darling,” he says. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want

a divorce.”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases

her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,”

he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and

she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and

slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck.. “I want the house,” he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.

“I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph. “And,” he says,”I’ll have the

bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes

him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got

everything I need.” she says. “Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you

got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and

says “The airbag.”

Funny Quotes – Insults

He had delusions of adequacy.
– Walter Kerr

Funny Jokes

Two guys in a bar …………………..

One says, “Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!” “My God, what happened to him?” “Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “Gosh, what a horrible way to die!” “No, no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “Damn it, what a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No, no, that didn’t kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water. Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop — 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “Damnit man, he was wrecking my house!”

Funny Quotes – Insults

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
– Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes – Insults

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
– H. H. Munro

Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. – Emo Philips

Funny Jokes

Doctor’s Orders

On doctor’s orders, Marvin had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Marvin’s brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.

“Would you like to see the body?” the undertaker asked.

“I might as well take a look at it before the others get here.”

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

“He looks good,” the brother said. “Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him.”

Funny Quotes – Insults

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
– Abraham Lincoln

Funny Quotes – Insults

Her skin was white as leprosy.
– S. T. Coleridge

Wedding Joke

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers.

That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

Good News Bad News Joke

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife:

“Honey, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good

news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!”

His wife said: “$25,000.00 in severance pay? That’s great! Now,

what’s the bad news?”

He said: “Wait till you hear what was severed!”

IRS Joke

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an

American. “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about

them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them.”

The American nodded. “It’s the same in the USA only we see stars too!”

Taxes Joke

The meek may inherit the earth, but probably just in time

to see it sold for taxes.

Pope Calls God

The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers: “Hello? Yes? yes? yes? just a moment.” Putting his hand over the receiver he continues, “God, it’s the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again.”

God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, “Look, there are millions of people praying right now, and I’m trying to plan Armageddon. Tell him I’m just not available.”

“Of course,” St Peter replies. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope:

“She’s not available right now.”

Household Cleaning Tip

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter

against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15

and leave it alone.

Woman vs. Man Shopping Joke

“Food Shopping By Women
1. Park the car
2. Get a cart
3. Fill the cart with useful things in a record time.
4. Put the shopping in a rational way (All the fridge
stuff together, groceries in a separate bag, etc)
5. Pay
6. Go back home.
7. Empty the bags, put all groceries in the
appropriate cabinets, refrigerator compartments, etc., and
tidy everything up.

“Food Shopping By Men”
1. Park the car
2. Get into the store.
3. Get out of the store and pick a cart.
4. Get into the store.
5. Stroll through all the corridors of the store.
6. Stop by the magazines and browse the last
“Sport Illustrated”
7. Buy a pair of socks, 2 frozen pizzas, a case of
beer, Sausages, pistachios and a comic (Optional:
Foldable, swimming pool in winter, Two helmets for the kids
in case they are going to use the bicycles, Fertilizer
(also in winter), some tools that he might use some day)
8. Don’t worry about milk, bread, eggs and other
’superfluous’ items.
9. Put the socks in the bag with the frozen items.
10. Find the slowest line and pay.
11. Go back home.
12. Leave the bags on the table.
13. Put the beers in the fridge.
14. Sit on the couch and read the comic until the
beers are cold.

Bumper Sticker

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone
booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Seen on a Bumper Sticker:

Political Correctness Gone Awry

TEAPOT NURSERY RHYME

I’m a size challenged teapot, small in stature and generous of girth

Here is my non-judgmental holding device and

here is my non-pressurized, safety device enabled, fluid releasing orifice.

When I feel temperature augmented and in need of external expression

Then I exclaim in an elevated decibel, yet non-threatening verbal tone,

Adjust my angle and release my non-caffeinated, dairy free organic

contents.

Governmental Humor

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.

Why don’t we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200

years, and we’re not using it anymore.

Funny Quotes – Insults

Q: How many jerks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb still and lets the world revolve around him.

Funny Quotes – Insults

He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
– Thomas P. Gore

Funny Quotes – Insults

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
– Winston Churchill

Funny Quotes – Insults

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
– Wilson Mizner

Funny Jokes

Happy B’day Elvis. Everyone eat a twinkie!

You may be a Redneck if several family members are Elvis impersonators. You may be a Redneck if you have a Jack Daniels Elvis decanter. You may be a Redneck if you have an Elvis Jell-O mold. You may be stupid if you believe Elvis still is alive.

Funny Jokes

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Funny Quotes – Insults

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
– Benjamin Disraeli

Funny Jokes

He who knows not and knows he knows not is a wise man. He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool.

Funny Quotes – Insults

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
– Joseph Stilwell

Funny Jokes

Customer: “Do you serve crabs here?” Waiter: “We serve anyone, please sit down!”

Today’s Sermon at the Church Of Chuckles

You can’t blame God for everything.

God made Michael Jackson a handsome black boy.

Plastic surgeons turned him into a hideous white woman.

One Liners

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality

comes

from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Two Minute Management Course

Two Minute Management Course…..

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree — resting…doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do
nothing”? The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”? So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree; but, I haven’t got the energy”, sighed the
turkey. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?”, replied
the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients”. The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally, on the fifth day, he found
himself proudly perched at the top. There, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top; but, it won’t
keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying South for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird’s wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field. While
he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! The bird lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Management Lessons:
1.) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2.) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.) And, when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!

This concludes your two-minute management course.

Top 45 Oxymorons

Top 45 Oxymorons

Now top 75 Oxymorons with additions by twitter people identified below

Some other fun stuff when you are done here:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. “Now, then …”
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Funny Jokes

Life’s Little Questions…..

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as ‘just a sprain’ and deep wounds as ‘just a scratch’, but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill ‘with the flu’ and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Funny Quotes – Insults

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

A Little Dirty

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

One Liners

Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality

comes

from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Diet Jokes – wedding anniversary jokes

MISSING HUSBAND

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him

Joke of the Day – Eyes like an eagle

Searching

As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire.

The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance.

“See that little sign about three blocks away?” he asked.

“You mean the red one that says Industrial Center?” I asked.

“Man!” he exclaimed. “You’ve got eyes like an eagle!”

Holy Humor – Cowboy Joe

Joke of the Day
Holy Humor

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

Analysis Paralysis

My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative’s bad luck. Mom asked, “Do you suppose he has a subconscious desire not to succeed.”“Or maybe it just happened,” said my sister, exasperated.

“Do you know you analyze everything to death?”

Mom was silent for a moment. “That’s true,” she said. “Why do you think I do that?”

Just In Case / Why, why, why?

Just In Case / Why, why, why?

With all the talk of restoring the draft, and just in case our Commander-In-Chief G W Bush decides to recall any of us older military retirees, I have already been trying on the old uniforms.

I want to be ready.

So far, only the socks fit.

Let’s Be Honest

Let’s Be Honest

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

Regular or Premium

Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn’t remember.
“You probably got the cheaper gas,” she said. “That could account for the engine running so rough.”
“No, the gas wasn’t cheaper!” he replied indignantly.
“Well, how much did it cost?” asked the wife.
“It cost the same as always,” said the husband. “I bought the usual ten dollars worth.”

A Compliment

A Compliment

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

“I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

He never even heard the shot!

Joke of the Day – A Hiking We Will Go

A Hiking We Will Go…..

Last summer, my husband took me camping for the first time.
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the
usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees
(there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast
day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied
the cabin, turned, and led us right back to our camp. “That
was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”

“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country, all the
TV satellite dishes point south.”

Irishman

“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with

tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was

already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman

S I G N S

S I G N S

Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”

Camouflage Store: “Wise guise.”

Chicken Incubator: “Cheepers By The Dozen”

Dormitory Bathtub: “Don’t forget your ring!”

Elevator Door: “This elevator is out of whack… more whack is on order.”

Midget’s Summer House: “TOO LODGE”

Minister’s Bills: “Due unto others.”

Operating Room Entrance: “May I Cut In?”

Restaurant #4: “Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.”

Restaurant Menu (Texas): “Remember the à la mode!”

Scuba Diving Store: “We carry a complete line of under ware.”

Shoe Shine Stand: “One shoe shined absolutely free.”

Sports Car: “The Keys Are on the Seat Next to the Doberman.”

Tailor Shop (Kowloon): “Customers giving orders will be swiftly executed.”

Towing Company #1: “Call us at any hour. We’re always on our tows.”

Truck (on right rear): “Pass on the right for that off-the-shoulder look.”

Venetian Blind Dealer’s Car: “Watch Out! Blind Man Driving!”

Waterbed Shop: “Your vinyl resting place.”

Weight-reduction Store: “A word to the wides is sufficient.” and “Stop! Look! Lessen!”

Wrestling Gym: “Our sport gets a hold on you.”

Wrigley Factory: “Gum in.”

Preacher trades bike for mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher? “I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”
The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya!”

Sound

Sound

Sound travels slowly.

Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s!

Joke of the Day – Famous Quotes – Funny Quotes – Joan Rivers Quotes

Joke of the Day – Famous Quotes – Funny Quotes – Joan Rivers Quotes
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
- Joan Rivers

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A BIKER WHEN:

- Your best friends are named after animals.
- Your best shoes have steel toes.
- You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
- Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
- You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
- You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
- You’re only sunburned on the back of your hands.
- You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
- Any day you ride is a good day.
- Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
- Your three piece suit is Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
- Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
- Your garage has more square footage than your house.
- Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines
- You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.

HOW TO GET WEALTHY

HOW TO GET WEALTHY

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Happy Ending

Happy Ending

Once upon a time, a man asked his girl, “Will you marry me?”

She said, “No.”

And they lived happily ever after.

Funny Jokes – Superstition

Funny Jokes – Superstition

Don’t you know it’s bad luck to be superstitious?

I thank my lucky stars I’m not superstitious!

Superstition, n. – Another person’s religion

HEALTH FOOD
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic doesn’t work anymore.
Here, eat this root

Christmas Jokes – Blonde Jokes – Blonde Christmas Trees

Christmas Jokes – Blonde Jokes – Blonde Christmas Trees

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

Tax Jokes – Tax Return – Letter to the IRS

Tax Jokes – Tax Return
Letter to the IRS

A letter to the IRS
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA
Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the
Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying
$171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as
noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them
one (1) 1.5″ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from
USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for
1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

Baseball Jokes

There once was a king who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he arranged and shared with them. As will happen, the king died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal lover to the core, and
immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing.

His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they finally ousted him.
This was a truly a significant event because it’s the first time a reign was ever called on account of game.

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Humor – Funny Jokes

Halloween Jokes – Halloween Humor – Funny Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a squash? A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? A. Ok, that’s a wrap.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.

Q. What can’t you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What’s a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!

Q. Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.

Q. Why don’t mummies take vacations? A. They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. What did the corpse’ mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him

Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!

Q. What was the mummies’ vacation like? A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!

Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins? A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.

KNOWLEDGE PILLS

KNOWLEDGE PILLS

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

My Forgetter

My Forgetter…

My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself “who was that?”
Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

Funny Jokes – Atheists Holiday – Humor for the Holidays

Funny Jokes – Atheists Holiday

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said,

“Case dismissed!”

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews, why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah … and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!”

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!”

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists … just when might that be?”

The judge said, “Well it comes every year at the same time … April 1st!”

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home
on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.

“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”

“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.

“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus,
hit the ball, drag Gus . . . “

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes – Golf with Gus

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home
on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she
becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into
the driveway.

“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”

“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.

“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus,
hit the ball, drag Gus . . . “

Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer

Funny Jokes – Bad Drummer

A nightclub owner hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain his customers. After several performances, he discovered the drummer had walked away with some of his valuables, so he notified the police and had him arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, he then called a friend who knew some musicians.

“What happened to the drummer you had?” he asked the club owner.

“I had him arrested,” was the replied.

His friend paused for a second and asked, “How badly did he play?”

Drummer

Joke of the Day – CONFESSIONS

Funny Jokes – CONFESSIONS

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful. ” “Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.” “Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it’s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.

Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. ”

“That’s bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.” “Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.” “That’s not very good of you.” “Father, last month, I went to her uncle’s house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too.” “Father? ……… Father?”

suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. “Father? Where are you?” He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

“Father, why are you hiding here?” “Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.”

How to avoid the flu

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So……
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery
in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell
jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it,
if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Dinner Guest

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and

shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this

money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time

trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in
20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take

you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that?

I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like

after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Lighter Side of Marriage

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred

letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
(Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and
wife.”

Blonde Joke

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a
minute…” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

Joke of the Day – SOMEWHERE… IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

Funny Jokes – SOMEWHERE… IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE…

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.